People often assume I'm an only child. I get it. I have a complex family history and don’t often talk about my siblings. I have 5 living brothers and 3 sisters. I grew up with all but 2. I say living brothers because one died in a drowning accident when I was 8 and he was 10, and the other committed suicide when I was 11 and he was in his 20’s. I didn’t know this brother well - our age gap meant I never lived with him, but I do remember the haunting nights my parents endured for many months & years after his death. My brother who drowned I was quite close to -and I am still grieving for him.
When I was adopted I was the youngest of 4 kids and we were all kept together. That’s one of the silver linings to our story - we weren’t separated - we never had foster homes. But when my brother Chuckie died my parents were hurled into a space of unrelenting shock. Our family adopted 5 more children within a year of his passing. A new family was cobbled together and to this day we still resemble mismatched puzzle pieces who somehow found a way to fit together.
I think it is this textured background that lent to me becoming a loner. I’ve always sought out space for myself within functioning groups as well as chaotic ones. I’m quite private, I retreat often and choose to expose my secrets within my art, my writing, my performances & my films.
In thinking about the needs for my company and career I can also slip into a loner mode. So many things are possible, and there are very few people I can actually discuss the ins and outs with. Admittedly I’m learning to open up more - but even here on this journal I felt the need to duck away for some time.
In life I have no problem seeing a movie alone, taking myself out to lunch or attending parties and industry events on my own. Sometimes I prefer it. I noticed this as not the norm on my morning city hikes. People are in pairs and there I am most often alone, lost in my latest music obsession (insert lemonade emoji). For parties - If my partner wants to attend - great - but he’s an introvert so it’s not always the first or best option. I understand how peculiar this may seem to others. I’d rather meet my friends somewhere than go together. If they can’t make it - I’ll pop up solo.
Many people in my peer group are on the fast track to fame and they already have their pre built entourages- publicist - check- manager- check- MUA and HAIR- check - assistant/bestie - check, and they go everywhere with this squad--this buffer zone. I have these team members, but we don’t yet travel all together. My lonerism is still intact. It defies the social etiquette of this industry I work in, but it’s just how I am until I require something different.
Dress & Shoes by Top Shop. Photo by D. Dortch. March 2016 Andaz Hotel West Hollywood, CA.