B O D Y

"Let me see your body."

He said it so plainly I could only react with a, "What?" even though I had clearly heard him.

"Do you want to work or not?"

Work.  Yes. I want to work.

This is what it required. 

I knew another second of patience would not be allocated.  I stood and began to remove my clothing. I had on a cheap cotton dress making the task reasonably simple. 

He pointed to my panties.  Made a downward gesture.  I shimmied them towards my knees.

He took me in.  Again so plainly.  Clinical. 

"Turn." 

I turned.  He lingered.  I waited.

"Alright. You can start tonite."

He began running off rules and regulations in a monotone blur.  

I felt flush.  But it wasn't embarrassment.  

It was arousal. 

I said, "Thank you."

My formality surprised me.  The politeness in the midst of vulgarity.  I was relieved for his approval.  

His eyes cast downward again.  Re examining.

"You're gonna need to shave that though.  It's not the 70's"

I involuntary covered myself.  Now I was embarrassed.

"Let's go."

I tried to recover as I followed him into the next room.

****** you've just read an excerpt from the upcoming book Jezebel : a true story.*********

I feel the need to write the book version because I love books and I want this story not only on the screen but on pages and all the little devices too.

Coming soon....

You can give to the film JEZEBEL by clicking here

Above Image: Self Portrait from series Pretty Little Mess exhibition Center for Sex and Culture San Francisco.  2015.

S A B R I N A

Same mother, different fathers.  

This post is about sisters.  My sister Sabrina. 

I play her in our movie Jezebel.  This has been the most intimate way to understand her.  Stepping into her skin and having to express myself through her too. 

My sister is a quiet warrior.  She doesn't say much in crowds.  She commands her own space wherever she goes.  She's friendly, yet guarded. She's dominant, yet soft and supple.  She has a hidden tenderness.

As kids we weathered some pretty harsh climates together.  It wasn't just us.  There were 8 total.  But she was the one I looked up to.  She was the one who protected me at all costs.  Together we have pieced our once chaotic lives into order.

When she first told me about "internet modeling" (I was 19 she was 24) I was very curious as to what that was.  Our family had lived in Las Vegas long enough that the adult industry was quite normalized.  Billboards and advertisements were everywhere on how to make a quick buck with your body- whether that was as a showgirl or cocktail waitress.  Women were to be put on display and gazed upon.  But this was not to be an empty exchange.  You would be paid handsomely for it. 

I didn't know what a fetish was when I went to go work for the site.  I learned quickly and it was fascinating to me as all human behavior is. Why does a dangled bare heel arouse? What is the root of the desire to be punished and disciplined? My curiosity and amusement has never waned.

My sister would unpack these questions with me, always with humor, always with irony. We had many a good laugh about it all and we still do. She gave me the early permission to be who I am in all aspects.  Sisters can do that in a way mothers can't.  The mirroring, the whispers, the giggles.  Nurturing in the space of mischief.

I hope I've brought my sisters heart to the screen.  I hope I show the side others rarely see.  

This movie is on its way to the finish line. We wrapped the Los Angeles shoot dates.

 (THANK YOU CAST AND CREW AND ANGELS)  

Now we are on to the edit.  I'm excited about the molding and carving.  Editing is creative surgery.  Shout out to Brittany Lyles who is the lead operator under the hood. 

If you want to push us forward in this marathon drop some money on our GOFUNDME page.

Still thinking about my sister?  Today she describes herself as Ms. Livia, a lifestyle #FemBOSS  Go ahead and click if you want to be a pay pig. LMAO.

J E Z E B E L

The time had come.  A pressing sensation that spoke now or never was descending on me.  Over the years many signs pointed in that direction, but I didn't follow through.  This time the signs and the decision were not to be denied. 

I'm making my first feature film.

Those of you who have read this journal and then still hung around while I abandoned it for some time - ok over a year- thank you.  I started this journal to train myself on the discipline of writing again and to reignite my love for it.  The more I wrote the more whole  I felt.  I also felt more exposed than ever.  My professional and personal life were colliding in ways that I was terrified to share.  Each journal post became harder to be honest.  I shared more of the past because though the past could haunt, it could not hurt.  Sharing my present became a level of vulnerability that I could no longer embrace. Turning away from being vulnerable also shut me off from being nourished.   I'm back because I need that nourishment again.  I need to write.  I need to be heard.

Making a feature film requires support.  Physical and non physical.  You need angels in all forms.

So I have this story. My true story. About the time in my life when I lived with my sister, her boyfriend, her toddler son, and our brother in a studio weekly rental apartment in Las Vegas.  It's very difficult to describe the transient lifestyle of people who gravitate to Las Vegas from all walks of life and quickly spiral down to the desperation of week to week survival choices- but here you have it.  That was me and a segment of my family in the last days of our mothers life.  It was a moment in my world that I hadn't seen drawn out to me like other moments have been. But it was very real and an absolute formative moment. My older sister suggested that I try out "internet modeling" for quick easy money and I did it.  And I liked it. And it contributed largely to my perspective on sexuality, fantasy, and the texture of the emotional intersections of loneliness and deviance.  

No script. No movie.

I had 16 pages.  Those 16 pages Tribeca Film Institute selected for their Through Her Lens program aimed at diverse women.  I submitted it as a short film, though it was really the first chapter of my feature.  This was by far one of the greatest experiences I have ever had. A clicking moment that resonated with me 100 percent.  The mentorship was beyond generous. When it was over I said I would go work on the feature.  But I didn't.  I worked on other things. Not that. People checked in with me.  I gave excuses.  I talked and said I would.  I didn't.

This was depression.  This was fear.  This was distraction. This was being dumb as hell and taking my life and its purpose for granted. 

Then just weeks ago I was presented with an opportunity to travel abroad, South Africa to be exact and represent Black&Sexy TV and our partners Aids Healthcare Foundation.  It was to be a great outreach trip and a celebration of the side by side work we have done together for years.

But a voice told me no.  Don't go.  Make your movie. I describe it as a voice, but it was a sensation.  A clear one. I sat still and quiet  and felt/heard it again.  Translation: Do it now. 

At that point the mission began.  I made a call to my business partner, Dennis, and asked if he wanted to go on the trip instead.  I explained to him that I wanted to make my movie.  It was time. He wanted to go and our partners at AHF were happy to have him as well. Handled. 

Still no script.  No money either.  Hadn't even thought about that. 

My sister had called me to come see her, she was having an elective surgery and wanted me to be around for her recovery.  Surgery and hospitals trigger me.  I spent years being a pseudo nurse to my mother and I was full of apprehension.  But then it hit me.  Go be with her AND WRITE YOUR SCRIPT.  all of that down time in recovery is ripe for it and I would be bonding with my sister and able to ask her questions about when we lived together way back in Las Vegas.  Details I couldn't remember she would.

Flights were booked to Miami for me and Rockwelle and off we went.  I wrote ten pages on the plane.  Another ten pages the next day.  And I wrote ten pages every day until it was done. My family cheered me on as I closed my bedroom door to them every day for hours. My daughter (Rocky) cheered me on sitting on the bed next to me on her iPad as I crouched over typing on my damn keyboard that sticks.  

In between writing I sent messages to people who I wanted to come work on the film.  My pitch to them went something like this - hey I'm making my first feature in Las Vegas in a few weeks. Do you want to work on it - it will be 110 degrees - literally - I can promise you that. are you down?

Everyone I asked said yes.  Everyone I asked was enthusiastic. Suicide mission or nah? They were game.  Cap ou pas cap?

My sister said she would give me the majority of the money.  In small staggered installments but she would do it. We would together find a way. It's our shared story after all, and I would be playing her. I found a stunning newcomer Tiffany Tenille to play me as a teenager, and every other actor I wanted was saying yes. Every behind the camera artist was saying yes.

Damn it we are making a movie.

I sent out the first draft. Got deep notes from trusted ones. Wrote another 20 pages on a second draft. Scheduled a table read. Started booking accommodations in Vegas.  Just full blown production.  Everyone stepped up with whatever they had to help with. My passion drove their  passion. We filmed a week in Las Vegas and are about to film the second week in Los Angeles.  After that we will be wrapped.  Editing has already started.  The train is full speed ahead. 

Very few people if anyone tried to slow me down.  I heard a few doubtful questions here and there or even those who didn't really get the script on a deeper level, or thought I was moving too fast. No,no,no, I had been moving too slow.  Their words and actions didn't deter me at all.  If anything they helped me slip into the next gear.

I'll  be back to share more as we keep moving. You can also follow the movie here.

I want to encourage everyone who has started a few pages and has left it in a spiral notebook or in a desktop file - press on.  Write. Writing summons voices - most of all yours.  Then that voice guides you on and and on.  It's the articulation of your providence. 

Talk soon

Numa 

special shout out to Winter, Frannie, Amanda, Brent, Gray, Kevin, Von, Tiffany, Stephen, Bobby, other Bobby, Rockwelle, Sabrina, Tangier, Dennis, the Budget Suites of America, Alexis Park Resort, and the Hard Rock Cafe Hotel & Casino for the first leg of this shoot.

LONER

People often assume I'm an only child.  I get it.  I have a complex family history and don’t often talk about my siblings.  I have 5 living brothers and 3 sisters.  I grew up with all but 2.  I say living brothers because one died in a drowning accident when I was 8 and he was 10, and the other committed suicide when I was 11 and he was in his 20’s.  I didn’t know this brother well - our age gap meant I never lived with him, but I do remember the haunting nights my parents endured for many months & years after his death. My brother who drowned I was quite close to -and I am still grieving for him. 

When I was adopted I was the youngest of 4 kids and we were all kept together.  That’s one of the silver linings to our story - we weren’t separated - we never had foster homes.  But when my brother Chuckie died my parents were hurled into a space of unrelenting shock.  Our family adopted 5 more children within a year of his passing.  A new family was cobbled together and to this day we still resemble mismatched puzzle pieces who somehow found a way to fit together.  

I think it is this textured background that lent to me becoming a loner.  I’ve always sought out space for myself within functioning groups as well as chaotic ones.  I’m quite private, I retreat often and choose to expose my secrets within my art, my writing, my performances & my films. 

In thinking about the needs for my company and career I can also slip into a loner mode.  So many things are possible, and there are very few people I can actually discuss the ins and outs with. Admittedly I’m learning to open up more - but even here on this journal I felt the need to duck away for some time.

In life I have no problem seeing a movie alone, taking myself out to lunch or attending parties and industry events on my own. Sometimes I prefer it.  I noticed this as not the norm on my morning city hikes.  People are in pairs and there I am most often alone, lost in my latest music obsession (insert lemonade emoji).  For parties -  If my partner wants to attend - great - but he’s an introvert so it’s not always the first or best option. I understand how peculiar this may seem to others.  I’d rather meet my friends somewhere than go together. If they can’t make it - I’ll pop up solo.

Many people in my peer group are on the fast track to fame and they already have their pre built entourages- publicist - check- manager- check- MUA and HAIR- check - assistant/bestie - check, and they go everywhere with this squad--this buffer zone.  I have these team members, but we don’t yet travel all together.  My lonerism is still intact.  It defies the social etiquette of this industry I work in, but it’s just how I am until I require something different. 

Dress & Shoes by Top Shop.  Photo by  D. Dortch. March 2016 Andaz  Hotel West Hollywood, CA.

BOSS

Be your own Boss.

Tell yourself what to do.

Give yourself progress reports.

Be firm yet encouraging with yourself. 

Bring enthusiasm into the room. 

Stay sharp.  Read & Write.  Writing helps reading - reading helps writing.

Take responsibility.

Give yourself breaks. 

Understand confidence.

Take compliments & give more compliments. 

Maintain your vision.

Adjust where necessary.

Photo by Chan at Post & Beam, Los Angeles CA March 2016 Jeans & Hat by TopShop Blouse provided by Vic Styles

GOSSIP

A couple of years ago - almost 3 now - I did something that I wasn’t proud of. Over coffee with a friend another mutual friend/mentor came up in conversation. My coffee friend was recounting something and repeated to me something she heard our friend/mentor say about me and how being a Mom would be distracting for my career. I was very hurt to hear that these things had been said about me and I considered for a moment confronting the person - but I hadn’t seen her in some time - so I didn’t - I avoided it actually— I didn’t really want the confrontation - not just with her - but with myself.   I didn’t want to admit that those same voices were in my head about balancing parenting with being all that I was striving to be. 

The next time I spoke to this person/mentor we had a blow up and I spat back to her that I had heard what she said.  We got into it - went back and forth once or twice - until somewhere the better part of me stopped myself.  I should have went to her immediately about this instead of believing instantly what someone else said - this friend/mentor is a person I deeply respect and had learned so much from - I, in fact was the messy one for not dealing with it head on.  My own insecurities about motherhood had me on high sensitivity. 

It wasn’t until very recently that this entire scenario finally was cleared up all the way.  Part of it is due to my confidence increasing - maybe a little maturity thrown in there too.  I’ve shown myself what I am capable of- my heart has opened and softened while at the same time I’m stronger and tougher in a good way.  The two of us sat down and she explained to me her point of view on motherhood and careers - which contained elements of what my coffee friend told me - but was not the entire story at all - and was just enough out of context that it caused a huge disruption where there didn’t need to be one at all. 

I am so happy that this woman is both smart and wise like good mentors are - and was patient with me - never made me feel little- and our relationship is deepening now. 

Recently, I’ve found myself on the other side of this.  Karma I suppose. Well rounded learning for sure.  I went through a major personal and professional disruption/divorce last year. This was heartbreaking for me.  Sometimes heartbreaks are necessary - you find out who you are all the way through and well after it.  Right as you think you are starting to heal - something ugly can pop up.  Something certainly did for me as I was blindsided about a rumor about me that I didn’t know was swirling around and I still don’t know exactly what it is. Ooof.  Very mean girls.  Very hurtful.

After the initial shock of this settled I thought of my daughter.  What would I -and will I tell her when something like this comes up for her. Number 1 - You have to know who you are.  You have to get real strong in that.  You will be tested. You are creative therefore you are sensitive. Feel what you feel but don’t dwell.  Focus on who loves you - who knows your heart. Take responsibility where you need to and move on.  Get busy with the things you love in life and bypass all the bitches.

Photo By Rae February 2016 Marina Del Ray, CA Top & Skirt by TopShop Heels from Jet Rag Lenses by Ivan Bitton.

DOUBT

I struggle with the writing of this weekly blog.  I feel a responsibility to be positive and motivational.  I have urges to vent and pour out deeper emotions, but I'm scared of going too far and saying too much.  This has me at a cross roads. I also believe that the written word has power and if I pen my darker thoughts or frustrations then I'm perpetuating that.  Yet-  I feel like a fraud to only discuss the silver linings of who I am and what I go through as an artist - a serious one- an unconventional one.   I have numerous fantasies of writing something purely anonymous just so I can say more.

My advice to anyone else though would be to do it anyway -  be brave.

If your nerve deny you - Go above your nerve.  - Emily Dickinson

There are times that I become dizzy with doubt.  It's a feeling that I can't stand.  I don't recognize myself in these moments.  I feel lost and uncertain and overwhelmed.  I'll often take a shower when this strikes me - hoping the water will act as an elixir.  It does help.  It's sort of a reset button on my day.  Then I do my best to just take it easy afterwards- maybe write down some good memories or recent goals I've accomplished and then focus on a task until I feel better.  

Right now I'm in between gear shifts for my career and company.  I feel and see tremendous possibilities ahead.  

Doubt lurks in the crevices of these transitions and no amount of showering has quite eased it.  

So there it is.  Me stating my uncertainty.  

I don't know how I will feel tomorrow or the next moment.  But I know I can't just ignore this current state.  There's something important there - something emotional - something personal.  I'll share as much of it as I can - as I move through- and hopefully there's a bright epiphany on the way. 

Pretty Little Mess Self Portrait Series 2014 Los Angeles, MacArthur Park  Vintage Oscar De La Renta Tuxedo Jacket

LOVE

I define love as things that make you feel good from all angles.  I define love as what drives you to  commit to something or someone.  I define love as attention, affection, and protection.  

I love being in the position I am today.  I'm a mom - I love my daughter - I love our relationship, I love her father, he loves me, I love our company, I love that we are able to provide jobs and have provided jobs to dozens of people over the years, enabling them and ourselves to do what we love, become better at what we love, and share what we love with the world. I love filmmaking.  I love being on set.  I love the support and work ethic of a great crew.  I love writing and seeing that writing come to life through great actors.  I love the entire process of acting. I love reading great scripts and creating characters that I get to act out on stage and in front of the camera.  I love cameras.  I have a special affinity for cameras and lenses and our response to each other.  I treat cameras as if they have their own life force because for me they do.  I love learning.  I'm back in an acting studio learning a great deal right now, refining myself in all ways as an artist - as a creative.  I love creating art, I love using my imagination, I love how imaginative I am and I love the life I've lived that lead to my imagination being so supple and vibrant.  I love love.  Love looks good on me.  Happy Valentines Day. 

Self Portrait Circa 2011 Los Angeles, Leimert Park

S W A P

Directors should take acting classes, and actors should write, direct, and produce at least one short film in order to maybe not be so self centered.

Bloop. 

Really though.  I don’t care what industry you are in.  If you care about what you are doing you should really try being on the other side of the table.  If you design- you better wear those clothes.  Try them on - get a sense for how those materials behave on the body and how they make you feel. When I had my glove company - every pair went on my hands first.  If I felt one itch or tightness, or anything that wasn’t a feeling of pure luxury - I wouldn’t use those materials.

I’ve been on both sides of the table of a casting room and it’s a powerful learning experience if you let it be.  When you’re casting - you want people to be prepared - not freak out - be a real person - bring their uniqueness to the role - be nice about it and go home.   When you’re auditioning you want the casting director to give you proper attention - be warm and respectful - hire you - or invite you back.  If each had to swap places every now and then there would be more understanding all around.  

I’ve been producing the entire time that I’ve been doing everything else creatively - out of necessity and also out of care for things going well.  When you have that experience as an actor it shapes you - makes you more valuable to yourself and the industry at large for any project you want to launch, and it stops you from self centered behavior.  Once you’ve produced you will think twice about what problems you dump on a producers lap - instead you will become more solution oriented and a joy to work with.  Producer credits are sometimes thrown around and added out of negotiation or vanity sake - but if you really get in there and hands on produce - even just one project - it will open you up to what it really takes to get something done from start to finish. 

In my acting training we always had a few directors in the room taking classes too.  Big props to them.  Some directors are secretly wanting to be actors - but some are truly quite shy and would rather steer the ship quietly.  It was always astonishing to see them get on stage for the first time and try to connect and communicate with another person in the ways that they often ask of us.  It is not easy to deconstruct life and put it back together.  It is not easy to risk making a fool of yourself or exposing areas that you would otherwise keep private.  It’s not easy to express the level of honesty that makes performances soar. And as a director it’s not easy being responsible for the entire project -if it succeeds you get the glory, but if it fails you get the pain.  It’s an undertaking that takes vision and a great resolve. 

It’s very easy however to fall into the trap of self centeredness in this industry.  We’re kind of called upon to be narrow minded in a way because so much focus is required to gain ground. Swapping your side of the table may just help make that less so. 

Plus - we need more of us out here producing, writing, directing and learning from each other so we can get more stories told and make an even more substantial contribution.

Photo by Dennis Dortch 2016, Los Angeles, CA  Dress by Top Shop, Camo Trench by Mossimo

WHITE & BLACK

I spent my entire childhood looking up at a white woman’s face and calling her Mom.  Hugging her - admiring her red hair, loving and caring for her.  Love is love.  And as complex as my cross cultural, trans racial upbringing was, this fundamental truth does not change.  Her death was no less painful, our mother/daughter dynamic was no less real.

I’m often called to speak on matters about race - when you run a company called Black&Sexy TV that’s a given.  People want to know why, they are sometimes offended, other times unnerved, other times delighted, and amused.  People have suggested that we change our name to be more palatable for those who would rather not have such a visceral reaction to us. 

I’ve noticed that it is common for Black people as we start to deal with our identities to use color/race as part of our monikers.  Many first email addresses had the words, brown - coco- chocolate- golden- bronze- caramel in them, and many first creative ventures also used this type of language - our own clever yet obvious ways of eking out our personas as we continued to further mold ourselves or grow something new.

Black and Sexy is a product of that and more succinctly an ode and homage to Dark&Lovely - the Black Pride of the 70’s - as we began to enjoy some of the freedoms not previously afforded to us.  The reaction to our name is also a sort of litmus test - if it baffles or offends it reveals more about that person than anything else. 

In a world where we are either highlighted in hostile propaganda agendas or made virtually invisible by those who wish we would just go away - Black&Sexy serves as a place of refuge.  Our images, our way.  Our stories as close to the skin as possible. 

Photo by Taelor'd Existence Los Angeles CA 2014 for The Visibility Project

BRAVE

I had the honor of having lunch with a very prolific writer, director, and actor this week.  I won’t name drop, but the person is successful in all the ways most people would measure. It was kind of like a blind date- another successful person really thought we should meet and set up the whole thing.  We decided on a little grandma style spot that would afford some privacy and good pancakes. 

Immediately we discovered things we have in common - a four year old - a knack for creativity from a young age, and certainly a similar approach to getting things done. At one point they asked me what do I do about the fact that everyone wants something from you?

I never thought of it in that way. Looking at things from that angle feels dangerous to me. But it stayed with me on my ride home and I started to get clear on making sure I’m doing the things I actually want to do.  

Then I was tagged in this TBT interview I did a few months back and there I said it - “Be brave enough to only do what excites you!” 

Dang I said that? Ok.  I immediately did a quick scan over the projects and I have lined up and am in the middle of.  Clarity came quick.  A little guilt came too which I took note of.  Then this week I made a few tough calls which brought me great relief. 

My new friend had no idea how much that question affected me.  Or maybe they did. Maybe I’ll let them know. 

When you become highly productive and known for that a lot of things come your way.  Work begets work and as they say- if you want something done- ask a busy person to do it.  

The quickest way to prioritize and retain sanity is to be clear about what you want, what brings a smile to your face, what makes you excited, and be brave enough to let the rest of it go so you can focus.

Photo by Dennis Dortch Summer 2015 Los Angeles.  Gingham Dress, Forever 21

QUIET

I'm in a quiet space, with little to nothing to say. I haven't hit the streets running at the start of this year many are calling Sweet 16.  I like that imagery.  It feels like honey on a patient drip.  I feel certain, and I feel an excitement marked by stillness.  I'm revisiting spaces in a  refreshed curious way including my acting studies.  I have an impulse to start painting which also requires a less rapid/forceful energy.  This is that ebb and flow, and I'm enjoying it the same way I would at any sea shore. 

Photo by Dennis Dortch. Jan 2015, San Diego, CA for Girl Boss Feature Biggie Sweatshirt by Forever 21.

DISRUPTIVE

Disruptive. In school I was quite the one.  Name was always on the board, starting small mutiny’s with my oddball group of friends.  I was also sometimes the quiet kid in the front of the class struggling to see.  It all depended on which school and which teacher I was dealing with at the time.  I read an old report card from the 2nd grade and I remember seeing the words occasionally disruptive and extremely compassionate.  I wasn't really able to justify the former with the latter when it came time for my parents to open that envelope though.

This word disruptive, is all around me again now.   It’s a buzz word in business.  In the current landscape of nearly every industry there is room for disruption.  It’s what makes start ups exciting.  But all who claim to be disruptive are not actually so. You gotta make a dent, scare some people, and be noisy about it. 

My first small business was writing customized poems for my classmates in 3rd grade.  I charged a nickel a line - which if you do the math means I went to school in 1908. The kids would order sweet poems about flowers for their moms, and I made enough side change to get ice cream and other things I wanted during the week.  This disrupted my parents no allowance policy and I enjoyed the bliss of financial independence.  Since then I’ve had two other small businesses, a T-shirt company and a luxury glove line - both were fun and creative, but would not qualify as disruptive.  

I believe Black&Sexy TV is truly a disruptive company.  Our approach to storytelling disrupts what most people learn in school.  Who and how we cast talent disrupts the status quo choices. Our business model is our own unique mold of community and content. And we distribute on our own.  We are disruptive and yes, I’m proud of that.

Through this we’ve made the best kind of friends and enemies.  The friends are fiercely supportive, they want the changes that we are making to be long lasting and far reaching, and they help to make it so.  At the same time the enemies are afraid of that very thing.  Both motivate us to be stronger. There’s a political side to business building as well where people sometimes switch in and out of these roles so you must always hold steady and keep moving forward with your vision. 

Gone are the days where my parents can punish me for being disruptive in class, there’s no detention, or checks after my name.  My rebellious nature is put to very good use now as part of this team disrupting the system for how our images and stories are viewed and told.

Self Portrait.  2010. Los Angeles, Korea Town. Vintage Leopard Dress, Vintage Camel Suede Jacket, Little Black Gloves by Miss Numa.  Shot on Leica Dlux-4

BALANCE

How do you do balance motherhood with everything else that you do?

That is the number one question asked of me since the moment I gave birth to my daughter.  Most of my friends do not have kids and it’s perfectly fine to not want any - it’s also perfectly fine to have one or two or more.  There’s a lot of micro aggressions that come along with being a mom who also has a flourishing career and the most frequently stated one is in the form of this question.  Behind this question is a very patriarchal mindset - no one asks fathers this.  My partner Dennis has NEVER been asked this in an interview. That’s the first clue.  It’s crazy to me because he is a prominent component to how I balance motherhood with everything.  My child has a father who is active in her life and we share these responsibilities.  I lean on him, he leans on me.  That’s the balance. 

I understand that this question frequently doesn’t come from malice or shade, it’s more from marvel or true curiosity - so I’m going to answer it the best I can and send this link to everyone in the future :) 

If you want to have a child and a career - talk to that being/spirit before you become pregnant.  Yes I did this.  I spoke out loud to my future child about what this here life would be like and made it very clear what they would be getting into.  I believe that we choose a lot of our experience before we arrive as human beings so I made sure to communicate that. Then while pregnant I continued this conversation while my little baby was growing in my belly.  I had many fears about pregnancy and giving birth but I had little to no fear about who I was as a woman and what I had to offer a little growing person.  In other words I had a strong sense of myself and wasn’t looking to my child or motherhood to complete that. 

So when Rockwelle was born and then on set 5 weeks later I wasn’t surprised and neither was she.  Everyone said she was the quietest baby they ever saw.  She knew the rules already. When I booked my first feature film when she was 10 months old - I brought her to NYC with me.  This was challenging.  But this is how it got done.  Then her Dad took her back to LA for my final days of filming.  This was also challenging.  But it got done.  We continued to grow our company with her and her siblings all along the way.  It gets done - as a unit. When it’s beyond the two of us - we have friends, family and people we trust to help with the extra aspects.  It takes a village is real. And single moms and dads can also find their village.  Having a child will get your priorities in strict order. Your future suddenly extends beyond your own life and you make adjustments for that, time and the use of it becomes an art form that you practice and eventually master, and your sense of humor expands exponentially. 

With that I will laugh off this question when it’s repeatedly asked of me (and not my partner) and then do my best to answer including my observations I have about patriarchy. 

PROPER

I love Los Angeles.  I always knew I would live here since I was a kid.  And when I moved here I had never visited before.  Just hopped on a plane and met my new roommate the same day. I’ve always followed my inner voice and it’s never lead me wrong. I believe it’s my guardian angels speaking to me.  LA is the place that I’ve had some of my wildest adventures, started my family, and launched my career.  I’ve lived in nearly every neighborhood and I even appreciate the craziness that you inevitably seep into here.  I also love New York and see some very big East Coast moves for Black&Sexy in the future.  Stay tuned.   Then of course there is Miami….  That can be the third residence.

But back to LA.  I started a photo series called Los Angeles Proper.  It’s little snapshots taken on my phone of the things I find most beautiful and unique to this city.  The urban landscape, colors, architecture, and how everyone navigates within that. Here’s a few...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I decided to get an early start and work with December 1 as my official transition to 2016. 

This is not because I’m in a rush to get the year over with, 2015 has been a very powerful, very successful year in every way. This is more out of a readiness to draw a line, leaving behind the more unsavory aspects without having to wait for the official 2016 title. After all, time is a construct.

I also feel happy right now.  I’m with my family - enjoying them all, I’m with my art community at Basel experiencing in person the impact of my work on others, and back home at the ranch Black&Sexy TV is running with our great team.  I feel really solid about what I want going forward which is bringing me a sense of ease and excitement. 

Tonight is the Yeelen Gallery opening reception and party for my short film Florida Water.  (Saturday Dec 5, 10pm. 294 NW 54th St.  Miami FL 33127)  This project was born from a deep need to express the feeling of answers to my life that I do not have.  It’s a visual collage of memory and imagination.  The exhibition began on the 1st - another indication of my new year as this work screens in the city that I come from.  

For all of you who are not in Miami tonight to join me, here is the film right here for you.

6 minutes depicting a few layers of my world.

and for those in Miami... come through for good times and good art. 

M I A M I

I was born in Miami.  And though I was raised quite far from here, I love returning. I love getting off the plane and feeling that gush of humid air hit me as the beach and rum cocktails summon me. I love the relationship I have with my family here now.  It wasn’t easy to come by.  In fact it’s an ongoing lesson of unconditional love, forgiveness, openness, and willingness.  I’ve watched my biological parents- who did not raise me and never married (each other) grow older together and find ways to care about me as an adult that make me as happy as I believe my child self would have been. My daughter has a closeness to them unencumbered by any of that conscious knowledge or feelings of separation. 

So, I love coming here and bringing her with me.  I love staying in my small room in their home that they make nice just for us.  I love sipping on Barbancourt with my father as I hear stories about their immigration to the states -I get new details every time.  And I love sleeping in only to spend the majority of my days running errands with my mother all around Miami snapping photos all along of the quietest images.  The Miami far from tourism yet very close to Haiti, Jamaica & Cuba. 

As luck has it- Art Basel planted itself down in Miami in between the Thanksgiving and Christmas Holiday.  With that comes a combined visit of family, business, art, and fun as it gets more popular every year attracting my peers in film, music, and visual arts. This year I’m showing work at the Yeelen Gallery.  My film FLORIDA WATER will screen alongside an installation dealing with family rituals that I have remembered and imagined - reconstructing them as I play my own mother in the story.  I worked with dear friend Arthur Jafa who shot the film and a great cast of Haitian actors in Los Angeles. I knew that I needed 5 red gowns to make this project a reality, and I found all of them in one trip to a Goodwill - in all the right sizes- which I took as a very good sign that I was on the right track.  Jamila Glass handled the heavy lifting of the edit - I only fine tuned in the end, and it’s premiere screening was at the Papillion Art Gallery in August 2014.  It then screened in Florence Italy last June and now next week here in Miami - Little Haiti to be exact - with the community that I made it for.

Wednesday December 2 at 130pm is an artist talk/conversation with Michelle Papillion moderated by Nerissa Street. And the opening reception/party is Saturday December 5 at 10pm.  Both at YEELEN GALLERY in Little Haiti/Miami

LUXURY

I lived on a farm in the late 80’s.  Skamokawa Washington population 250. I have an entire art project devoted to this - my feelings at the time - the family dynamic that existed, and how certain secrets shaped me.  The project is a short film trilogy with installations recreating aspects of the farm, and holograms reconstructing conversations.  There are many things about that time that I have tucked away and happily forgotten about, though the oddest things can trigger my memories.

Our landlord was an older white man who housed dozens of his cows on our farm, because we did not own the land, we were only renting.  We were sort of like sharecroppers. We had our own animals - pigs, chickens, ducks,  two cows and a goat, and we lived off the land.  We raised up our own green beans, corn, potatoes, and blackberries grew deep in the pastures.  My mom made jams from those berries as well as our own tomatoes.  It was seemingly a wholesome life.

But our environment was very hostile, we endured a lot of racism and discrimination.  Our landlord would often turn off our water to be spiteful.  We would go for days without any running water and my Dad would have to drive in to the nearest town - about a half hour away to pick up 5 gallon jugs of water that we could heat to bathe with and flush the toilets with. We would go an entire day of filling the toilet until we gave it the one flush at night with a bucket of water near the door. 

This was disgusting and humiliating and I was so ashamed of this.  An out house in our house.  I buried this memory.  It's not exactly the thing you discuss when people ask you where you’re from.

But I remembered it all when thinking about House of Numa.  Recently I started imagining House of Numa as an actual House- a hotel - a luxury boutique hotel catering to the needs of creatives.  Maybe it will be a resort that’s precisely built for that.  A place where beauty surrounds you in every aspect and detail.  House of Numa.  Luxury, creativity, home away from home.  Great food, peaceful, like an artist studio space that you never have to leave.  With a library and built in car service from the local airport…  I could go on. I see it taking shape and my business and creative minds are merging as I begin to carve it out.

My desire and love for luxury and beauty comes from the stark contrast of the days where the toilet was flushed once a day.  Where cow pies were something I really would throw around, and plucking chicken feathers before my Dad boiled one for dinner was normal. I love the farm girl part of me. Though many of those memories are haunting ones, that background has served me well.  It fueled my imagination, gave me a love for books, and a closeness to nature.  All things that will be part of the future House of Numa.

Self Portrait, September 2015.  The Standard Hotel, East Village, NYC.

INFLUENCE

Influence.  The origin of the word is Stellar Emanation.  I'm in love with that word combo.  Brilliance, to radiate and shine upon, taking up space & matter.  

I say I'm more of an eccentric than a nerd, but I used to read the dictionary for fun when I was a kid so perhaps I'm in denial?  Getting to the root of every word has always been fascinating to me, and then getting to the root of the root of that word, and so on and so forth is a linguistic rabbit hole that has me all giddy by the end of it. 

This year I was placed alongside my partner in all things Dennis Dortch on The Root 100 Most Influential African Americans of 2015.  We are on the list with emerging and prominent leaders in social justice, education, entertainment, sports, and technology.  It's an honor, and they hosted a beautiful gala which we attended here in NYC. I met some of my personal heroes including artist/activist Bree Newsome, and many others sharing mutual respect and relationship building as our goals and work frequently overlap. 

But my mind is flitting around. Admittedly I’m tired.  I often write this blog in the wee hours of Saturday morning before the 8am PST posting.  I need my child to be asleep, and I need to be done enough with whatever has brought me to the weekend so I can sit here and devote time to arranging my brain in a way that comes out - like this. I’m starting to feel a closeness to all of you out there reading.  An ability to discuss some things you wouldn’t other wise know about me in general passing or possibly even my work.

So Influence.  I’m so glad I got to the underbelly of the word. As it has evolved we know influence is not always warm illumination from one to another.  There’s a shadow side to influence as well that can lead a person or groups to destruction, disorder, and devastation. 

This is where my mind is flitting around.  I don’t want it to land on the most recent violence that has many of us shook. I don’t want it to settle there. I’m afraid to go near it.  I don’t want to dissect it.  I cannot understand it. 

At my best I know that I am a light, I came from light, I will return to light, and I am not alone in this. We are all influencing each other.

Because it is on topic and I’m asked often - here are some of my influences in art, style, business & life.

Louise Bourgeois, Maya Deren, Eartha Kitt, Lucille Ball, Maya Angelou, Maria Callas, Milton Katselas, Carrie Mae Weems, Paula Weinstein, Clarissa Pinkola Estes.

BLUES

In the world of theatre there's a known reaction to the end of a show.  After spending many weeks/months together with your cast rehearsing, carving out characters, and giving your all night after night on live stage - you will eventually have to face the closing night.  There's a feeling of relief from all the effort and a feeling of  pride if the show was a good one - but there's also this thing called the Theatre Blues. It's that sad kind of empty feeling when suddenly there are no more rehearsals, no more performances- the thrill and the pressure are replaced by a vacuum.  It can hit you pretty hard depending on how big the show was and what you have coming up next. 

I was hit with this kind of bluesy feeling after returning from NYC last week. I tried to shake it- mostly because there's no time for it and I don't want to feel that way.  But it caught me off guard.  I felt overwhelmed, anxious, and threw my blankets over my head every chance I could.  Meanwhile I still had to show up to set, write, supervise, take meetings, and try to be cheerful.  I felt guilty that I even had these feelings because I just came from a career changing program where my entire world expanded, where I was offered and shown incredible support for my work and encouraged for my talents.  

Then I remembered that I'm a human being, I remembered that many entrepreneurs suffer from bouts of depression or anxiety.  What we do is tough.  When you start a business you step on to a ledge.  You open your every choice up to criticism.  You take on tremendous responsibility.  You will have moments when it all feels too much. Even when you love what you do. And that is ok.  

But what to do?  I want to feel good and I couldn't just snap out of it.  It wasn't working.

So I gave in.  

I let myself sink into it a little.  I stopped fighting the feelings and just admitted to myself the same way I would after a play - that hey -  I feel a little anxious and weird right now, I feel the pressure and I'm just gonna leave it at that for now.

It's been over a week now. I feel better.  I started giving my self some ease.  I'm taking my daughter to dance class today, then I'm going to the gym to get my endorphins going.  I'm not going to list the rest of the things I have to do today because I will start feeling anxious again.  But I'm going to find ways to enjoy myself and relax in the midst of it all. 

Self Portrait circa 2012, Los Angeles. Shot with Leica D-LUX 4, Dress from Nobody Jones